in memoriam

I think I remember too much stuff. is that a girl thing? or just a 'me' thing?
I mean, it's not bad to remember and think of the really important memories, or embarrassing ones even... but some things it would be nice to just erase.
I guess these thoughts are arising because I watched 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind'... but the point of that film (even though I figured out the ending halfway through...cus I'm just that smart!) was to remind the audience that every person and memory is of value, and not to wish to wipe them completely from your mind... and even bring it up, even if it hurts to remember it.

Like, I wonder why we meet some people in our lives, if they are just to fade away and disappear into a faint memory. Does that person have a purpose to be integrated into your life's timeline beyond when you talked/met/ spent time with them? Are they supposed to serve some purpose or teach you a life lesson? Or perhaps, life is arbitrary and friends and acquaintances come and go as they please, they dance merrily into your life and then exit violently or passively. No contact after they trampled your thoughts, leaving you wanting encore after encore;leaving you clapping until yor handsare rubbed raw, your tendons and bones ache; you yell and scream their name until your voice is sore and burning... but they never come back onto the stage. They packed up and left for another performance long ago.

I'm a pretty happy person, I don't mean to be being all "doom and gloom." However, like I said, I remember too much from the people that no longer dance around my stage, and it bothers me for some reason. I don't want the thoughts to pinch and nag at my mind, but they don't care. They conjure up dreams, thoughts and memories all too quickly. They conjure up the past when I don't want them to, forcing me to remember this past part of my life. Some times, it comes in the form of just a harmless sentance that a former friend or love interest expressed, I can feel myself smiling, reveling in the warm and lucid memory. But then, frigid reality slaps and shakes me... reminding me that, that person is no longer there with me or speaks to me.

Even though it hurts to remember those encounters, it still isn't all horrible. After all, the absent person still said what they said. They still expressed joy, love, humor and kindness; and I believe it was genuine. It had to be, for them to speak it or express it and that is enough to keep me going. The fact that they meant love or joy at one time, even if it was in the past, is still valid. Even if they don't express it now, or perhaps they never will again... it still happened. You can't change the past, just your own future.

I still think that I remember too much though!



A little Tegan and Sara to illustrate my point a bit better... :]